Fascinating movie

Lileks: What’s our favorite Christmas movie?

There is new research on the ’90s Christmas movies that Minnesotans have searched for the most.

It made you sit down, didn’t it? Finally concrete data! And how was this important information discovered? The website that posted this information says:

“We found the search volume for each show in Semrush and connected the 13 most searched shows to Google Trends to see which show has been most searched by each state over the past 12 months.”

Truly! Me, I found the search volume in BurgleJeek, then plugged the data into BingPop and uploaded it to Yahoo, then printed it out and took it to the Target store on York Avenue, in there ‘waving over my head. Same results.

I’ll come back to Minnesota’s response in a second. First up, South Dakota’s first search: “Dumb and Dumber”. I don’t see any reason to google this movie unless you can remember the full title, in which case you’re probably the target market.

Wisconsin and Michigan have Googled “Home Alone,” but that doesn’t mean it’s their favorite; they may have settled a bet that there is an appearance from a former president. The answer is no”. Donald Trump appeared in “Home Aloner”. (Gerald Ford appeared briefly in “Home Alonest: Home With a Vengeance”) It was funny because they actually used Superglue for this scene, and his hands were stuck and he had to learn to eat using only his elbows for two years.

In Idaho, they love “Miracle on 34th Street”, a charming film about a man who manipulates the courts and the postal system to commit identity fraud. In California, it’s “The Nightmare Before Christmas”, a stop-motion movie by Tim Burton that’s basically Charlie Brown’s special for goths.

Rhode Island preferred “Jack Frost,” but there are only 147 people in the state, so two googling people could have tipped the results off.

New Hampshire favorite: “The Muppet Christmas Carol”, a popular film starring yards of felt and the hands of many people.

There are so many movies that didn’t make the list. I don’t remember all the Christmas movies I saw. One year we watched something on the Hallmark Channel about Christmas Dogs. A beefy young man in a small town was running a dog shelter, then a bright, beautiful, prosperous but dissatisfied woman was driving through town and her car broke down on Christmas Eve right outside the shelter. At first she couldn’t stand the guy, but then he sang Christmas carols and showed her how he trained dogs to sing with beautiful, rich voices that sounded almost human.

“How did you do that?” she said in a trembling voice full of wonder, realizing that this small town and its simple inhabitants was the home she had sought all her life.

“I didn’t,” he smiles. “Satan did it.” And then the dogs attacked. It turned out to be the Hellmark Channel, not the Hallmark Channel. I guess they also had to make Christmas movies.

Some people like George C. Scott’s “A Christmas Carol,” but I can’t help but think I’m watching Patton and he’s going to slap an orphan for cowardice.

None of these made the list. “Die Hard” has not been listed, which is good; it’s a great movie, but it’s not a Christmas movie, as no one is learning the real meaning of Christmas. Unless I missed the part of the Gospel where the Child Jesus throws the German terrorist from the roof over the manger.

There is no mention of “Christmas Holidays,” a hilarious movie that seems a bit slow and low-key to younger generations because they are tasteless. No mention of “A Christmas Story”, revered by many as a banquet of unfailing joy: Father thinks the word “fragile” is Italian, pronounced “fra-gee-lay!” I’m telling you, I broke a rib laughing. That funny lamp that was a leg? I’m just hyperventilating thinking about it, he said sarcastically, well aware that denouncing “A Christmas story” can make me disfellowshipping from my demographic.

Anyway. What is our # 1 research? “Jingle All the Way.” Logic. It was filmed here. Arnold Schwarzenegger at the Mall of America. It’s possible that people saw the movie, saw the Mall of America, and Google searched if it really was the Mall of America. Who knows, it could be a set! The magic of cinema!

The movie doesn’t say it’s set in Minneapolis. He sees the Twin Cities as one single urban drop. Police cars even say “Twin City Police”. Maybe that’s why they googled, “Are Minneapolis and St. Paul really different cities or what?” “

Good question. Let’s run the question through SmrtQury and cross-check it with Google Answers, then compare it to UrbanQ’s database … Hmm. Apparently the answer is no.

Well, there it is. The data has spoken.

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